Snobs in China
Ok, this dude John Pasden has probably the best blog I have seen in terms of updates and variety of material. He may not talk about many serious topics or go in depth, but his postings are usually pretty interesting. He recently did a little bit on China Snobs and I particularly enjoyed it. I tried to post a comment but I think it was shot down.
Original article:
Orginal Post
My Comment:
Well, I am probably a bunch of the various snobs. I don’t teach English (and have turned down part time work for it), I speak basic Chinese and have a tendency to correct people who speak any less than me, I do not hesitate to point out to Chinese that they are doing something “wrong” like skipping in line, picking their nose or letting their kid pee on the street. In fact I am so intolerant of line skipping if I see someone doing it, I will scream at them and perhaps body check them into the glass ticket booth at the subway station, quite amusing, I assure you.
If that makes me a jaded westerner, than so be it. I will not say that China needs to become more like the west to be successful, and certainly not more like the United States; they need to find a comfortable balance between democracy, capitalism, socialism and “chinesism”. Much like what Japan and Korea have done. I love many things about China, but some things will have to change. Japan and Korea have such high standard of livings (in relation to other Asian countries) because they reformed their military, banking, government and other agencies with a tremendous amount of western input; yet they managed to maintain their culture and identity. And that horseshit about living in the “real” china and not in a large center is just that, horseshit. Is living in Tokyo not living in “real” Japan? Squalor does not mean authenticity.
Oh and by the way, I love going to Bars with alchool, music and lots of Chinese girls; who, might I say, are much cooler than most Chinese guys.
Guide Prices
Many people who come to China, particularly tourists, love to buy fakes or copies of clothing, purses, dvds, watches etc. While I at first thought this was cool and would make me look like a decked out rockstar with my lacoste shirt, versaci belt, and rayban sunglasses, I have changed my mind. The thing is, the quality of all this stuff sucks. The couple of polos I have bought have fallen apart and a bag I bought also broke. What is definitely worth getting is tailor made clothes, HIGH END fake watches with Seiko movements in them, and real clothing that has been stolen/reappropriated from the factory. Some pants are of decent quality, but you need to pick and choose.
Pricing information or fakes (these are the prices, do not let the seller tell you otherwise):
Jeans 70 RMB
Watch 25RMB for cheap ones (I paid 180 for a nice one, but I probably paid too much, but it has three working dials plus the main hands and looks pretty real (I compared it to my bosses real one and there are differences, not worth 10 000$)
Tailored dress shirts 60-90RMB
Suit (Labor only) 275 – 350RMB
Suit Fabric (at cheap market) 100 – 200RMB /Suit
Suit Fabric at tourist place: 500 RMB/Suit
North Face Summit Series Windbreaker (a good buy in my opinion): 90 RMB
Underwear: 10 RMB
Socks: 2-3 RMB
T-Shirt 10 – 15RMB
Polo Shirt 20 RMB
Bamboo (or calligraphy) a 4 by 1 foot banner with the rolls should cost 40RMB or less
Fake old Vase 40RMB
Tibetan Jewelry about 5-10 rmb a piece
Old looking trinkets about 20-40RMB
Real stuff from the factory is much more but the quality is great and you will keep the clothes for a long time.
Nice Dockers Sweater: 160 RMB
Lacoste Polo (real): 80 RMB
Zegna, Armani suites, 1200RMB (these are very difficult to get and you need to know people as they are located in remote rooms in apartment buildings – do not ask me where, I have been sworn to a blood oath of secrecy).
Etc..
I cannot tell you how to tell the difference from fake and real, but it is usually the material that gives it away.
Have fun shopping at the world’s factory outlet.
Local Populace
Since I started this Chinese blog, I have described many of my thoughts on China and a few of my experiences, but I feel that I have not offered any helpful advice for people coming to china or living in China. Not to worry, the situation will be rectified.
Entertainment
Some of you may wonder how to entertain yourselves in China. I am not talking about Peiking Opera, Bars or Sight Seeing; I am referring to makingh yourself, and hopefully others, laugh. Here are a few of the games I like to play with the local Chinese populace. They tend to work even better in small towns, but in general Chinese people are extremely naïve about the laowei and so these should work most anywhere.
1. The Phrase Book: Take a typical phrase book and go into a Chinese store or just approach a local person on the street. My favorite are the medical emergencies but many work. Do as follows:
You: {go into a pharmacy} Excuse me sir/madam, could you help me please (in English)
Local: I don’t speak English, go away (in Chinese)
You: {take out the phrase book and point a sentence such as “How many of these do I take?}
Local: I don’t know how many if I do not know what you are taking! (in Chinese)
You: {point to the next sentence “These pills are way too big!!!”}
Local: {now the local is really putting some thought into it}
You: {Point to the sentence “OUCH!!!”}
While this may seeem juvenile and not that funny, I assure you, it is both.
2. The Photo: At any famous sight there will be Chinese people trying to take pictures of themselves and the such said sight. Go and stand right next to them in the picture, after about 30 seconds of them staring blankly at you, put your arm around the person. They die of laughter – literally – clean up bodies and move on.
3. Japan: Mix up Japan and China; tell Chinese people (it helps if you can speak Chinese) that China is a great country but it is a shame that they had to take their characters from the Japanese (the opposite is true), tell them there are so many great CHINESE companies like Toyota, Sony, Mitsubishi. The list does not end there but you get the idea. Whats funny about this is not that the Chinese people will find it funny – they won’t – it’s the hugely nationalistic reaction you will get as they try to explain that China is the greatest country in the world and Japan is a piece of shit. NOTE: This type of thing also works great with Taiwan and Tibet, especially saying they do not belong to imperialist China.
4. Taxis: When you are stuck in gridlock traffic, tell the taxi driver to hurry up. When he tells you he cannot, insist (best in Chinese), and tell him you have an important meeting. Threaten to switch cabs without paying.
5. One Child Policy: (best in Chinese) Insist that if twins are born one of the children is killed immediately due to the one child policy. Insist it is true and has been reported in the West but it is censored in China. Insist.
6. Miscommunication: If your Chinese is alright, substitute words. Go into a restaurant and demand to know if they have bitches (biaozi), the Chinese word for dumplings is also biaozi but with a different tone.
7. Insist you are not a foreigner, that the Chinese person talking to you is. Say you just look a little weird. Wo shi Zhonguo Ren, dan wo zhuang de hen guai. (I am Chinese, but I look very weird). Works great with kids.
8. When you see a large Chinese tour group with hats and a leader with a flag, don’t hesitate. If one or two people are “rebelling” and not wearing there hats, agressivly ask them why they are not wearing their hat and that they might get separated from the group and starve to death. You can also take the leaders flag and insist that everyone follow you off a cliff/bridge/dead-end street…
9. The list could go on forever, but I think you get the idea. Send any of your experiences to me as I am always looking for new ways to mess with my favorite peeps.
10. Last thing, yes, I am an asshole.
Seared Russian Children
Not too much happening in Beijing. A lot of people are on vacation and so I have just been hanging out in the good old jing. My buddy Matt gets here this week and I go on vacation in a couple weeks, so its all looking good. This past weekend I went to a Russian restaurant in the Russian district of Beijing. I ordered some crazy Russian food, the appetizer was pretty good, and when my main dish of chicken showed up, I dug in. About three bites in, I feel something hard in my mouth, luckily I did not bite hard enough to chip a tooth. A tooth you say! When I got the hard particle out, it looked like a very small tooth or chite pebble. I kept eating the dish because, well, regardless of its origin, it tasted good. After lunch I took a closer look, and both Jason and I are pretty sure it was some sort of baby tooth. Babies sure are yummy. So the much-hyped myth of Soviet communists eating their young to work in their socialistic utopia was true. Who knew McCarthy was so clever. If you like babies, send me an email and I well tell you a good restaurant to have some seared baby meat with mushroom sauce.
Part IV – Kung Fu (comical)
Prior to this weekend, I had not left Beijing for vacation in over a month. I was starting to go crazy and consequently, determined to leave the city for the weekend. I originally wanted to go to a Beach resort, but that proved next to impossible due to the number of people traveling. We finally settled on Luoyang, an unimposing town in Henan province, which was the capital city for most of the Chinese dynasties until 1000 AD. I went down there with my buddy Jason, who is from BC. On a side note, this will be my first non-serious article in a while, so bear with.
Friday evening, we purchased a dozen beers at the local corner store for about 20 RMB (2$) and took off to the train station by subway, on which we drank most of the beer, and thus had to purchase more. Arriving at the train station with an exorbitant 10 minutes to spare, we made it onto the train and to our beds. We had to purchase the tickets off scalpers due to the amount of people in this country and the lack of trains. After arriving, we promptly over paid for a hotel and got some food. We then made our way to Longmen, which is a UNESCO world heritage site, about 13 km from Luoyang. The site is home to over 100 000 Buddha carvings in grottoes and caves, the largest of which is 17 m short. Really, an extremely impressive site, especially considering the lack of Chinese tourists being, well, Chinese tourists. According to the posted information, “Westerners”, during the 19th century and early 20th, decapitated many of the statues. While this is true, a good deal of the statues were destroyed during the cultural revolution, but, curiously, this is mentioned nowhere at the site; only that foreign people took the statues away from their homeland. One of the larger frescos is on display at the MET, in NYC. Nevertheless, a remarkable site.
At the site you can hire electric golf cart vehicles to take you back to the parking lot as the site is quite large. We decided that the price of 8 RMB (1$) was out of our budget, so we stole a car. I wish I could have taken a picture as the Chinese women screamed Ai Yo Ai Yo Ai Yo ( I do not think I need to translate that) and running after us. After realizing that some of them may be summarily executed for losing a vehicle worth more than their entire extended family, to their great relief, we returned it. Eventually we found ourselves at the main bar street in Luoyang.
No matter where you are, you can usually manage to find some form of a party on a Saturday night. But, of course, not in Luoyang. After visiting every bar in the area, we settled on one with a half decent band. We ordered a bottle of Vodka, but afterwards, realized that the bar did not sell Red Bull. We then had to argue for 30 minutes to get our money back for the unopened bottle. This typical Chinese behavior of arguing over everything and certainly not putting the customer first is prominent and I have many stories pertaining to this. We then switched bars to one with few customers, but a cute barmaid. Pretty bored, we decided to get 2-hour, legitimate, massages, which, actually were pretty damn good.
The next day we visited the first Buddhist temple in China, the White Horse temple. The barmaid from the previous night was our tour guide pro bono, and the temple was actually very nice, one of my favorites so far. That night, after a traditional Luoyang Water Banquet, we ended up back at the same bar. A water banquet is dinner with only various types of soup; it was actually pretty good. Only that night at the bar, there were some people! We were quietly sipping on our 2$ coronas when some Chinese guys thought they would make a night of it and break bottles over each other’s heads. Now we are at the part of the story related to the title of such said story. Modern Chinese men leave something to be desired. Perhaps that is a little to general, but speaking from numerous testimonies and what I have seen I have less and less doubt as to the veracity of the previous statement. In the west, if you really have a problem with someone you will solve it with a good old fashion fistfight. In China, the land of Kung-Fu, people do not respectfully bow, take a stance and then beautifully fight until the opponent’s White Palm style is proven inferior to the victor’s Shaolin Wushu style. After the initial move is made, they both run for the bar and grab bottles, and attempt to play mole-in-the-hole with each other. The rapidity for which they go for weapons is really appalling; anyone doing such in a western country would run a high risk of jail time. Because, simply put, you can really fuck someone up with a broken bottle. So bottles are broken, ash trays are flying, and people are fleeing. There is blood all over the place, one guy is obviously drunk and just wants to keep going despite the 3L of his blood that now grace the floor, his friends shirts, and the benches. After the bar counter is cleared of potential projectiles his friends manage to get him out of the bar and into a taxi; mind you, not easily. Speaking of which, god knows what taxi would be willing to take 3 people covered in blood and one person bleeding very rapidly for a ride home. Now what’s even more remarkable is that after this fight we go back into the bar and order some more drinks; mind you, that is not what is remarkable. It’s that there were no bouncers, hence no one to stop the fight, god knows Jason and I were not going to step in to stop 5 stupid Chinese guys from killing each other, because we both have a desire to live past 27 and 22 years respectfully. Also, no cops ever showed up to take testimony or make sure no bodies were being cut up and buried in the basement. Talk about a great police state. After the other half of the fight left the bar, the barmaids breath a sigh of relief and explain how the fight actually started. Supposedly one guy bumped the other and the other did not apologize. Can you say Pai Mei and the massacre of the Shaolin temple?
So everything gets back to normal and we start playing Jenga. Ridiculous, yes, I know, but just wait. Then, we start chatting up a couple girls and when everything seems to be going well, this guy that had been “hanging” out with Jason decided it is wise to come and try and dance with me. This guy could not be any more drunk, or gay; and not gay in a bad kind of way, just gay. I have nothing against homosexuals, but this one was insisting on buying us drinks, grabbing our limbs and dancing with us. Enough said, the two girls take off. I promptly tell Jason that I am out of there and I try to grab some drinks that I had bought for the chicks, but were never touched. This guy grabs the drinks out of my hands and pours them down his throat, well, at least half down his throat and half on his face. I run out of the bar. I wait for Jason to extricate himself and we literally run away from the bar, this guy, his friends, the blood and the chaos; we then jump into a moving taxi.
Lets just say the night did not end there, but this entry is long, and I will leave the rest of the story for face-to-face encounters.
The last day of our trip, which was extended due to our inability to purchase train tickets, was spent at the Shaolin temple and some other surrounding ones. The temples were really nice, but like most temples, too much alike. The temples in China have a tendency to be rebuilt and be identical to all other temples. The actual Shaolin complex is huge and I had been for-warned of its touristy nature. The new buildings dwarf the old temple, but that is the cost of modernization. Nevertheless, it was very interesting. We saw some Shaolin Kong-Fu kids (up to 15 years old) do some pretty impressive things. One kid, at one point, looked more like a wal
king pretzel than he did a human. We checked out the famous stupas and took in the atmosphere. We Challenged the Shaolin monks to various feats of strength and I think they were convinced our Jianada Kong Long Kong Fu was vastly superior (translation: Canadian Dinosaur Kung Fu).
We got back to the city, picked up some scalped tickets, a case of beer and got on the train. I am back in Beijing, tired, but very happy to have seen some Chinese culture.
In the words of the great chairman Mao Zedong, “Hao Hao Xue Xi Tien Tien Xiang Sheng” or Good Good Study Day Day Rise Up, which means, “Study well everyday and you will rise to the top”